Some Fictional People Really Need Their Asses Handed to Them
Listen, I love a good psychological thriller. Give me the secrets, the lies, the manipulation, the questionable morals, and a plot twist that makes me stare at the wall for ten minutes trying to process what the hell I just read.
But every once in a while, an author creates a character so unbelievably infuriating that I completely forget I’m reading fiction.
I’m talking about the kind of character who makes you slam your book shut, cuss out loud, and seriously consider whether throwing a kindle across the room would void the warranty.
And here’s the crazy part: Sometimes the characters you hate the most are what make the book so damn good!
So, naturally, I decided these fictional bastards deserve their own rating system.
Welcome to Mama J’s Slap-O-Meter, where we’re not judging the quality of the book. We’re judging how badly a character made me want to reach through the pages and deliver a little attitude adjustment.
Here’s how it works:
👋 1 Slap: Mildly annoying. A dramatic eye roll will suffice.
👋👋 2 Slaps: Testing my patience. I’m starting to talk back to the book.
👋👋👋 3 Slaps: The audacity! Somebody come get this fool.
👋👋👋👋 4 Slaps: I have officially had enough of your shit and I’m plotting your downfall.
👋👋👋👋👋 5 Slaps: SOMEBODY HOLD MY EARRINGS! I’M FINNA GO TO JAIL!!
And just so we’re clear, this is all fictional frustration. Nobody’s actually getting slapped. But some of these characters certainly had me reconsidering my commitment to peaceful conflict resolution.
Let’s meet our first offender.
1. Adrift by Will Dean
The Accused: Drew Jenkins
The Charges: Being a controlling, manipulative, jealous, insufferable asshole.
What’s the Book About?
Imagine living on a narrowboat with your husband and teenage son. Sounds kind of peaceful, right? A little unconventional, maybe even romantic.
Well, not when your husband is Drew Jenkins.
Drew, his wife Peggy, and their fourteen-year-old son Samson live aboard a canal boat. Drew considers himself a serious writer, and apparently everyone else is supposed to organize their entire existence around his literary genius.
The problem? His writing career isn’t exactly setting the world on fire.
Meanwhile, Peggy has writing aspirations of her own. And when she begins experiencing the success Drew desperately wants for himself, things go from uncomfortable to downright frightening.
Drew becomes increasingly controlling, moving the boat farther from civilization and tightening his grip on his family.
And let me tell you, this man doesn’t need a boat. He needs a damn therapist.
Why Drew Deserves a Spot on My Slap-O-Meter
Where do I even begin with this man?
First of all, Drew has the kind of ego that needs its own zip code.
He wants to be a successful writer, but instead of supporting his wife when she demonstrates genuine talent, he treats her accomplishments like a personal attack.
Sir, your wife’s success is not the reason your career is going nowhere.
And the manipulation? The gaslighting? The ridiculous rules?
This man has Peggy questioning herself while Samson is growing up in a household where everybody has to tiptoe around Daddy’s precious feelings.
It’s not just that Drew is unpleasant. He’s dangerous, and his need for control poisons every part of his family’s life.
I found myself wanting Peggy and Samson to get as far away from him as humanly possible.
Preferably somewhere without a canal.
Mama J’s Final Verdict
👋👋👋👋👋 5 OUT OF 5 SLAPS
Slap-O-Meter Status: SOMEBODY HOLD MY EARRINGS! I’M FINNA GO TO JAIL
Drew Jenkins is the kind of fictional husband who makes being single look like a luxury vacation.
The jealousy alone earned him a couple of slaps. Add the manipulation, the cruelty, and the way he treats his own family, and we’ve got ourselves a full five-slap emergency.
And that’s what makes Adrift such an unsettling psychological thriller. Will Dean creates a villain who doesn’t need a mask, a haunted house, or a supernatural ability to be terrifying.
Sometimes the monster is just the man sitting across from you at dinner.
Would I recommend the book? If you enjoy dark, emotionally intense domestic thrillers with characters who get under your skin, absolutely consider this one. Just know that its depictions of coercive control and emotional abuse make for some difficult reading.
[SHOP ADRIFT BY WILL DEAN ON AMAZON] https://link.amazon/B0a82jeZz
Content note: Domestic abuse, coercive control, emotional abuse, and violence.
2. The Couple Next Door by Shari Lapena
The Accused: Marco Conti
The Charges: Reckless parenting, lying, spectacularly poor judgment, and making one dumbass decision after another.
The Case Against Him
Marco and his wife Anne decide to attend a dinner party next door. Sounds harmless enough, except for one tiny detail.
THEY LEFT THEIR SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY HOME ALONE!
But don’t worry, folks! They brought the baby monitor and checked on her periodically.
Well dang, give them the award for parents of the year!
And wouldn’t you know it, when they return home, the baby is missing.
Now, you’d think that would be enough bad decision-making for one lifetime, but Marco apparently has a subscription to Stupid Decisions Monthly.
Between the secrets, the lies, and the financial mess he’s gotten himself into, this man just keeps digging.
Sir, PUT THE SHOVEL DOWN!
Every time you think he might finally make a sensible decision, he finds another way to make everything worse.
Mama J’s Final Verdict
👋👋👋👋 4 OUT OF 5 SLAPS
I HAVE OFFICIALLY HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT AND I’M PLOTTING YOUR DOWNFALL!
Marco isn’t getting slapped for being an evil genius. He’s getting slapped because apparently common sense is an optional feature.
And this man declined the upgrade.
[Shop The Couple Next Door on Amazon] https://link.amazon/B0dy5wHRH
Content warning: Infant abduction, parental distress, and psychological manipulation.
3. HEX by Thomas Olde Heuvelt
The Accused: Katherine van Wyler, aka the Black Rock Witch
The Charges: Stalking, trespassing, disturbing the peace, and standing around being creepy as hell.
The Case Against Her
Imagine coming downstairs for your morning coffee and finding a 300-year-old witch standing in your kitchen.
Eyes sewn shut. Mouth sewn shut. Not saying a damn word.
Just STANDING THERE.
Welcome to Black Spring, where Katherine van Wyler randomly appears in people’s homes, wanders the streets, and even stands beside children’s beds at night.
And these people have gotten so used to her that they have an actual APP to track where she is!
Ma’am, this is a residential neighborhood, not your personal haunted Airbnb!
But here’s where things get really stupid.
Some of the town’s teenagers decide it’s a brilliant idea to harass, poke, and torment this centuries-old witch. And she does nothing, I shit u not at one point I got really uncomfortable and thought they were actually going to sexually assault her which really freaked me out. And through all of this she just stood there!!
EXCUSE ME?! Are you a witch or a Piñata??
Her eyes and mouth are SEWN SHUT, she’s been haunting your town for centuries, and y’all decide to play games with her?
At this point, I’m not sure who needs the slaps more, Katherine or the idiots bothering her.
Mama J’s Final Verdict
👋👋👋 3 OUT OF 5 SLAPS
THE AUDACITY! SOMEBODY COME GET THIS FOOL!
Katherine gets three slaps for being the world’s creepiest uninvited houseguest.
The teenagers get five for having absolutely no survival instincts.
And honestly? After learning what happened to Katherine, I started wondering whether the town deserved some of what was coming.
[Shop HEX by Thomas Olde Heuvelt on Amazon] https://link.amazon/B027Fld7G
Content warning: Graphic violence, child abuse, suicide, and disturbing supernatural horror.
4. Gone to See the River Man by Kristopher Triana
The Accused: Lori
The Charges: Serial killer obsession, jealousy, selfishness, cruelty, and being a genuinely fucked-up human being and the worst sister in the world. (Don’t let this bitch fool y’all)
The Case Against Her
YES, THIS BOOK AGAIN!
Listen, I already recommended Gone to See the River Man in another post, and I’m going to keep harping on this damn book until somebody listens!
Now, let’s talk about Lori.
This woman is obsessed with Edmund Cox, a convicted serial killer who murdered more than twenty women.
Not a misunderstood bad boy. Not a man with a few red flags.
A WHOLE DAMN SERIAL KILLER!
And when her imprisoned Prince Charming asks her to retrieve a mysterious key and deliver it to someone called the River Man, she packs her bags and heads into the wilderness.
WITH HER VULNERABLE SISTER, ABBY!
Ma’am, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
But here’s the thing. Lori isn’t just some clueless woman making terrible romantic decisions.
Oh, no. This woman’s darkness runs DEEP.
The more you learn about her past, her jealousy, and her relationship with Abby, the more you realize that Edmund Cox might not be the only monster in this story.
And believe me, I’m holding back because I refuse to ruin those revelations for you.
Mama J’s Final Verdict
👋👋👋👋👋 5 OUT OF 5 SLAPS
SOMEBODY HOLD MY EARRINGS! I’M FINNA GO TO JAIL!!
Lori, honey, you don’t need a boyfriend. You need a psychiatric evaluation, a moral compass, and possibly an exorcism.
This book is disturbing, disgusting, and absolutely unforgettable.
And yes, I’ll probably recommend it again.
[Shop Gone to See the River Man on Amazon] https://link.amazon/B0jbr4opl
Content warning: Extreme violence, sexual violence, abuse, incest, and disturbing psychological themes.
5. The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins
The Accused: Rachel Watson
The Charges: Excessive snooping, questionable judgment, making other people’s business her business, and refusing to leave well enough alone.
The Case Against Her
Rachel rides the same train every day, watching a couple through their windows and imagining their perfect little life.
She’s even given these complete strangers names! ( Delusional? Lil bit!)
Then one day, she sees something suspicious. Shortly afterward, a woman goes missing, and Rachel decides she’s getting involved.
Now listen, Rachel has been through some serious shit, and I genuinely feel for her. But this woman makes some decisions that had me wanting to reach into the book and shake some sense into her.
Between her drinking, memory blackouts, obsession with her ex, and inserting herself into a police investigation, I spent half the story yelling, “RACHEL, PLEASE! JUST GO HOME!”
She’s not evil. She’s not even necessarily stupid.
She’s just a walking collection of unresolved problems who somehow keeps finding more.
Mama J’s Final Verdict
👋👋👋 3 OUT OF 5 SLAPS
THE AUDACITY! SOMEBODY COME GET THIS FOOL!
Rachel gets three slaps for repeatedly testing my patience. But I’m also sending her a hug and a therapist’s phone number.
Sometimes you don’t hate the character. You just desperately need them to get their shit together.
[Shop The Girl on the Train on Amazon] https://link.amazon/B09RWGqjl
6. Misery by Stephen King
The Accused: Annie Wilkes
The Charges: Kidnapping, torture, unlawful imprisonment, aggravated obsession, and being the most unhinged book club member in literary history.
The Case Against Her
Listen, I’ve met some passionate readers in my life, but ANNIE WILKES?!
THIS BITCH NEEDS HER LIBRARY CARD REVOKED!
When bestselling author Paul Sheldon crashes his car, Annie rescues him and takes him home to recover.
How sweet, right?
WRONG!
Annie is Paul’s self-proclaimed number one fan, and when she discovers he’s killed off her favorite fictional character, she completely loses her shit.
Instead of writing a strongly worded Goodreads review like a normal person, Annie decides to HOLD THE MAN HOSTAGE and force him to rewrite the damn book!
MA’AM! IT’S FICTION!
And poor Paul can’t exactly pack his bags and leave because he’s severely injured, and his number one fan has apparently confused nursing care with a hostage negotiation.
Between her violent mood swings, threats, and creative approaches to punishment, Annie makes every demanding reader on the planet look like a sweetheart.
Lady, the man wrote a book you didn’t like. PUT DOWN THE WEAPONS!
Mama J’s Final Verdict
👋👋👋👋👋 5 OUT OF 5 SLAPS
SOMEBODY HOLD MY EARRINGS! I’M FINNA GO TO JAIL!!
Annie Wilkes doesn’t need a signed copy. She needs a restraining order and a permanent ban from every author meet-and-greet in America!
Stephen King gave us one of the most horrible fictional fans ever created, and she deserves every single slap and a kick in the ass!
[Shop Misery by Stephen King on Amazon] https://link.amazon/B0cPHKeuz
Content warning: Graphic violence, torture, captivity, and psychological abuse.
Content warning: Alcohol dependence, psychological abuse, violence, and emotional trauma.
Mama J wants to know: What books have you read that made you want to slap a hoe? Comment and let me know.
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